The Terror Alert System Should Use Johnnie Walker’s Labeling System

Hello IGWers,

I thought in order to make the terror alert system a little easier we should coordinate it with Johnnie Walker’s labeling system. I think this would really clear up some things.

1. Green= Low on the terrorism threat becomes red. Cheap Scotch is a far worse deal.

2. Blue= Guard on the terrorism threat meter becomes Black. A higher level of whiskey results in a more guarded level of drinking. You have to be semi-cautious at the new black level of terrorism and of drinking.

3. Yellow= Elevated on the terrorism threat meter becomes green. This happens for good reason. If terrorists were aged for 15 years you might want to a bit cautious as well. I’d say green works well here.

4. Orange= High on the terrorism threat meter becomes Gold. This transition is not only easy in terms of color. It makes great sense in terms of chronological order. Gold whiskey has been aged 18 years. I would watch out if terrorists have been aged 18 years. They are now old enough to smoke and gamble legally. Extra caution is warranted here.

5. Red= severe terrorism threat meter becomes Blue. Blue label is individually signed and dated. The same with the terrorists at this stage. Didn’t the last terrorists to make it to the Red level from the government get their own playing cards. Here they’d get their own signed and dated bottle. From an age standpoint, you have to use extreme caution. The terrorists at this level have aged up to 60 years making them extremely angry. Not only do they cost more they have to use extreme caution in shipping. Blue label terrorism watch out.

All I am saying is that I’d understand the conversion to the Johnnie Walker system much easier than trying to relearn the government Terror Alert system. The current alert system is not even as effective as the pain meter in the hospital. If we had a major emergency how am I supposed to tell the difference between orange and red.

The biggest kicker of the whole thing is what the heck happens if I’m color blind? See no evil fear no evil. Wait…we tried that before.



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